Let me paint the picture for you.
I’m sitting on the downstairs couch, legs folded to one side, with one under my tush. My foot will no doubt be asleep by the time I’m done typing. Oh well. Not moving.
All around me is scattered toddler mess. An opened coloring book, Kerplunk sticks, giant floor puzzle pieces of a coral reef, an upside down Candy Land box, and a large wooden rocking horse, standing in the field of cute crap. Leah, my 2-month old is sleeping in the monkey swing across the room. God bless monkey swings.
Ben, my almost 3-year-old, is handing me the cards one by one from the game Operation, which I gifted him for Hanukkah, and he is terrified of. Of course, Hanukkah isn’t for another week but I made the mistake of putting some of the wrapped gifts on display in front of the Menorah. Rookie mistake. Wasn’t an issue last year. It’s crazy how much they change in one year.
Normally I make him clean up one toy or game before bringing out another. But not this morning. For some reason I am unbothered by the chaotic sight which currently envelops me. It’s actually pretty endearing, objectively. Normally I’m a bit anal retentive when it comes to messes. But today my mantra is Whatever. Shit Happens.
***
What do you do when the thing you feared most comes true?
When you come up short on a big goal. When you or a loved one gets the call that confirms the scary diagnosis. When you have a major parenting fuck up moment. When you have to send that email or phone call that you’ve been dreading.
What happens next? What happens when the shittiest shit, does in fact, happen.
This feels like an important question to ask, because inevitably, these moments in life do arise. I’ve experienced a few of these gut wrenching moments this past week. Not all-time worst fears, but real fears nonetheless.
***
The main plot point I take away from Vayishlach, this week’s Torah Portion, is Dinah, Jacob’s only daughter, gets abducted and raped. This has to be up there on the list of worst possible fears coming to pass, for Jacob as a parent and Dinah as a human.
I’m not a bible scholar and I couldn’t tell you exactly what happens next in the story, but I can tell you that the story goes on. The Torah does not end in this chapter. The story continues.
I am enough days removed from these fears-coming-to-pass realities to have the perspective that life does in fact move on. Will I move on with it? That part is the choice. How long will I allow myself to sit in the muck of despair? A day? Two days? A whole week? Longer?
When crappy things happen, we have the choice to let it grow us or let it disparage us. I’m not suggesting that we should brush these feelings aside. That is obviously a recipe for becoming an emotionally constipated shell of a human.
Here are a few things I am taking with me as I move through and past a phenomenally hard week. Perhaps next time you or I find myself dealing with a hard situation, this list could be a resource and a comfort:
Hard circumstances force us to grow. We step up to the plate, ask ourselves “what would a mature adult do in this situation?” and then we do that thing. Because what is the alternative, really?
We crave connection and desire a village. We discover how hurtful it feels to not have our people check in and take note of the ones who do. We reflect on all the times and all the people with whom we have failed in this regard. We make a mental note to do better.
We reach for comfort. We hug our people and cry in each others arms and listen and ask for what we need and prompt our people to tell you what they need and then allow yourself and your people to meet those needs. We put extra whipped cream on top of our hot chocolate.
We let things go. You let your kid make it look like a tornado hit the playroom. Resentments melt away, because they don’t actually matter in the grand scheme of things. And because why choose to fill your container with any negativity when you have to deal with the negativity that is dumped upon you?
We count our blessings. Because things could always, always, always be worse.
Eventually, when shit happens, life continues and we choose to move on with it. Changed by the thing, but not stuck in the thing. We move on as the new people we are and hopefully carry with us new tools for how to human in a way that feels better than before.
This is wonderful! So very well articulated